


the tears he shed in the dark

by beigetea



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, This is really dark, biggest angst fest ever, cardan has ptsd, cardan is a sad boi, i think im a little fucked up, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:28:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22191076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beigetea/pseuds/beigetea
Summary: cardan's traumatized from the events at hallow hall when he was a childjude listens(an exploration of cardan's trauma)
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	the tears he shed in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is not 100% canon-compliant, it takes place in queen of nothing but ig you can really put it anywhere, just pretend the sex scenes in the book never happened ha ha

Cardan was a soft child.

Even through the neglect he went through because of the prophecy. Even through the constant teasing from his brothers. Even when his mother left him.

It was Balekin that broke him.

The pain he endured in Hallow Hall, the beatings and whippings and assaults, the sexual _ones_. When he was freed, he was burdened with trauma. He had anxiety attacks, constantly. He secluded himself from the work of the Court of Shadows, until he grew a bit older, and constructed a solid facade. He then took on his responsibilities, being cruel to protect his heart. There was a stone wall around it, and he wouldn’t let anyone break it again.

His tail was a liability. It gave away his emotions, his fear, so he tucked it away, unseen. His true feelings were something that he couldn’t afford to lose control of. He kept them hidden, in fear of someone seeing straight through him, and into his real vulnerability. He was terrified, but that was only another feeling he’d learned to burrow deep.

When he fell in love with Jude, he was afraid once more. She had power over him, too much power, and he’d only get hurt. The fae weren’t supposed to fear love, but Cardan did. He feared the love that consumed his waking moments and crept into his dreams. He hated it. He hated it more than anything.

Cardan wasn’t angry. He knew he should be, at Balekin and his men, but he wasn’t willing to spend enough time thinking of them to become angry.

In some way, he felt he deserved it.

Still, when he looked in the mirror, he saw a body that wasn’t his. It was a stranger’s, and he was wearing it for a while, but it fit horribly and his body rejected it. It was coated with scars, from whips and chains and groping hands that all left their marks on his skin. Reminders of his pain, and the nights he spent in the dark.

All alone.

And afraid.

And it was now, as he examined his body, running his thin fingers over his collarbone and jutting ribs, tracing the scar.

The scar.

The most repulsive one, the only one in his collection still able to make Cardan nauseous and send a shiver down his spine at just the thought. 

The one that let him remember the blood in the bath that stained the drain a dark pink when he was done. 

_How he trembled so hard getting in the bath that he slipped and fell, bruising his knee._

_How only minutes before that, he was on the bed._

_With one of Balekin’s men._

He could still hear the man’s moans, they echoed in his ear.

The scar on his collarbone throbbed as he once again felt the pain bursting through him.

_The tears falling down his cheeks._

_Just like when he was seven years old._

_As Balekin’s man came inside him._

_And footsteps where echoing through the hall._

_And the man bit Cardan’s collarbone to stifle his shriek._

_And the door opened._

_And-_

“Cardan! Cardan. Hey.” He blinked, and Jude was in front of him, her hands on his shoulders.

Touching his collarbone.

He flinched away from her. He was suddenly aware of the dizzying lack of air in his lungs, and was quickly reminded of his inability to breathe. He grabbed the rim of the tub, leaning over it, and tried to breathe. He tried to erase every thought of Hallow Hall from his head, as he’d practiced for so many years.

Jude put a hand on his shoulder, and Cardan closed his eyes and tried not to flinch away. Jude made a strangled gasping sound, and Cardan instinctively turned to see what was wrong. She was staring at his shoulder blades, and the wide array of scars that painted it, with her hand over her mouth. He realized that she’d never really seen him completely naked before, and certainly hasn’t seen his back.

“Cardan I’m-” He watched her struggle to find words with dark eyes. “They’re all from Balekin, aren’t they?”

Cardan only nodded. “Him and his men.”

“God, what did they do to you?”

Cardan stood up, was abruptly reminded that he wasn’t completely recovered from his attack, and sat down, leaning against the tub. Jude joined him.

He stared into space. “They hurt me.”

They sat there, side by side, and watched the shadows slowly engulf the bathroom as day bled into night.

———————-

A few days later, Jude was in her chambers, waiting for Cardan to retire for the night. They loved each other, no doubt, but their separate meetings and duties divided them like a wall. They’d drifted away, and Jude wanted to fix that.

She saw the doors being pushed open before she even heard a sound, Cardan was nothing if not a cat. She eagerly jumped up and ran over to Cardan, pulling him close for a kiss. Cardan seemed surprised, but easily leaned back in for a gentle kiss, and Jude savored the softness of his lips. She pulled away shortly, and smiled at Cardan, pushing him against the wall. With her eyes closed and her lips on his, she navigated his body with her hands, from his soft curls to the planes of his chest. Jude’s fingertips brushed his navel when he heard Cardan _whimper._

Cardan was cruel. He was cold. He never whimpered, although he did whine. He simply was never afraid. That was just Cardan. To hear that soft, scared noise- it was strange.

She opened her eyes and leaned away from him. Cardan was cowering against the wall, a look of animal-like fear on his face. He was trembling. He looked so small in that moment, so _scared_. It made Jude’s skin crawl.

“What’s wrong?”

He stood up a bit straighter. “Jude- I can’t.”

“Why? Are you alright?” She’d never think _Cardan_ , with who he is, would ever avoid sex. It was common among fae, but it seemed to have really shaken the king, who was looking back at her with pain in his eyes.

Suddenly, it hit her. The night in the bathroom, the scars littering his back. They hurt him.

They hurt him really fucking bad. 

“Cardan- hey. Did Balekin, did he rape you?”

Cardan flushed. “No.” He turned away. She bent her head in relief. Faeries can’t lie. Unless he wasn’t lying. She recalled his broken words from the other night. _Him and his men_. Her head jerked back up.

“Did his men rape you?” Cardan went pale, and he didn’t answer. That was answer enough. Tears obstructed her view. Whether they were angry or pitiful, she didn’t know. Cardan was young when she stayed with Balekin. “How old were you?”

“Seven.” His words were hoarse, barely more than a whisper. Seven. He was a child. _A child_ , for god’s sake. She looked back at Cardan, and saw tears rolling silently down his cheeks. 

“Hey.” She took his hand in hers, and it pained her to watch him struggle to control himself from flinching. “It made you stronger. It made you the king you-”

He looked at her with white-hot rage in his tearful eyes. She had to stop herself from trembling. She forgot how scary Cardan was. “I was a child. I didn’t need to be strong. I needed to be _safe_.” He closed his eyes, and another tear fell. “Although I never really was a child. Never got the chance.” He looked back at her. “Did I miss out?”

Jude could only look back at him. She was sobbing at this point, heavily. She loved Cardan. She thought he knew him. But what he went through? The tears he shed in the dark? She hadn’t known. 

She spoke, with a cracking voice, “I wish I could go back in time and kill that bastard all over again.” He chuckled.   
And with that, they spent the rest of the night in restless banter, which they’d surely regret the next day. Again, Cardan cried in the dark. But this time,

He wasn’t alone.

**Author's Note:**

> ok that was one hell of an angst fest  
> @ everyone who read this; r u ok??


End file.
